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  1. #41
    Rolling an 18 DrakonTheNightLord's Avatar
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    Chapter III is done and ready to be released into the wild

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  3. #42

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    Great work! I particularly liked how you laid out the various scenarios. As with the other parts, I do have notes on formatting and typos. Should I post them here for you to consider? Or just make the tiny changes myself?

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  4. #43
    Rolling an 18 DrakonTheNightLord's Avatar
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    Feel free to post them here

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  6. #44

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    OK, here are my notes on Chapter I. If you agree with these kinds of notes, I'll go through Chapters II and III with the same fine-tooth comb:

    - Cut the spaces between Verses X and XI, XIV and XV, XV and XVI, XVI and XVII, XVII and XVIII, XVIII and XIX, XIX and XX, and XX and XXI.
    - In Verse XXIII, “Use as required, after considerations of viable theoretical and practical” needs a noun after the adjectives at the end.
    - Verses XXV to XXIV have coding mistakes.
    - Verses XXV and XXVI should be split into two paragraphs.
    - Cut the spaces between Verses XXIV and XXXV, XXXV and XXXVI, XLI and XLII, XLII and XLIII-LI, XLIII-LI and LII, LII and LIII-CVII, LIII-CVII and CVIII, CVIII and CIX, CIX and CX, CLV and CLVI-CXC.
    - Verse XLII’s third apostrophe should be removed. Also, the second-last period should be, perhaps, replaced with a semicolon.
    - It jumps from XXIV to XXXV.
    - All of the parts listed as multiple verses were intended to be redacted to give the impression of missing parts and greater length. If you don’t want any redacted parts, they should be one verse each, IMHO.

    Last edited by Graverobber; 13th November 2017 at 21:29.
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  7. #45
    Rolling an 18 DrakonTheNightLord's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    Cut the spaces
    My general rule is if a verse takes two lines, a space is needed so that people don't go insane trying to read the whole block of text. Perhaps a compromise by inserting a space for each verse?

    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    theoretical and practical” needs a noun
    I was using theoretical and practical as nouns in the same way the Ultramarines would do as per the Horus Heresy books. Compromise: Capitalize Theoretical and Practical?

    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - Verses XXV to XXIV have coding mistakes.
    - Verses XXV and XXVI should be split into two paragraphs.
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - Verse XLII’s third apostrophe should be removed. Also, the second-last period should be, perhaps, replaced with a semicolon.
    - It jumps from XXIV to XXXV.
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - All of the parts listed as multiple verses were intended to be redacted to give the impression of missing parts and greater length. If you don’t want any redacted parts, they should be one verse each, IMHO.

    Agreed on all points!


    Keep going with the other chapters, any oversight and suggestions is better than none


    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  9. #46

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    All right! Will get to the other two chapters ASAP!

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  10. #47

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    Chapter II

    - In Verse VIII, you need a comma in “1,000”.
    - “MDCCIX” should read, “XI-MDCCIX”.

    Chapter III

    - In Verse II, “gland” should be “glands” (or “fallen” should be “a fallen”).
    - In Verse V, “him” should be “them”.
    - In Verse VI, “drain in” should, perhaps, be “drain on”.
    - In Verse VII, “Apothecary” should be “an Apothecary”.
    - In Verse X, “last stands” should be “a last stand” (or “An evacuation” should be “Evacuations”).
    - “MCLVI” should read, “IX-MCLVI”.

    Again, I particularly like the "which is to say" parts in Chapter III! Great work!

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  11. #48
    Rolling an 18 DrakonTheNightLord's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    glands
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    Evacuations
    ^These

    And I agree with your other suggestions


    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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