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  1. #41
    Rolling an 18 DrakonTheNightLord's Avatar
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    Chapter III is done and ready to be released into the wild

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  3. #42

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    Great work! I particularly liked how you laid out the various scenarios. As with the other parts, I do have notes on formatting and typos. Should I post them here for you to consider? Or just make the tiny changes myself?

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  4. #43
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    Feel free to post them here

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  6. #44

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    OK, here are my notes on Chapter I. If you agree with these kinds of notes, I'll go through Chapters II and III with the same fine-tooth comb:

    - Cut the spaces between Verses X and XI, XIV and XV, XV and XVI, XVI and XVII, XVII and XVIII, XVIII and XIX, XIX and XX, and XX and XXI.
    - In Verse XXIII, “Use as required, after considerations of viable theoretical and practical” needs a noun after the adjectives at the end.
    - Verses XXV to XXIV have coding mistakes.
    - Verses XXV and XXVI should be split into two paragraphs.
    - Cut the spaces between Verses XXIV and XXXV, XXXV and XXXVI, XLI and XLII, XLII and XLIII-LI, XLIII-LI and LII, LII and LIII-CVII, LIII-CVII and CVIII, CVIII and CIX, CIX and CX, CLV and CLVI-CXC.
    - Verse XLII’s third apostrophe should be removed. Also, the second-last period should be, perhaps, replaced with a semicolon.
    - It jumps from XXIV to XXXV.
    - All of the parts listed as multiple verses were intended to be redacted to give the impression of missing parts and greater length. If you don’t want any redacted parts, they should be one verse each, IMHO.

    Last edited by Graverobber; 13th November 2017 at 21:29.
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  7. #45
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    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    Cut the spaces
    My general rule is if a verse takes two lines, a space is needed so that people don't go insane trying to read the whole block of text. Perhaps a compromise by inserting a space for each verse?

    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    theoretical and practical” needs a noun
    I was using theoretical and practical as nouns in the same way the Ultramarines would do as per the Horus Heresy books. Compromise: Capitalize Theoretical and Practical?

    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - Verses XXV to XXIV have coding mistakes.
    - Verses XXV and XXVI should be split into two paragraphs.
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - Verse XLII’s third apostrophe should be removed. Also, the second-last period should be, perhaps, replaced with a semicolon.
    - It jumps from XXIV to XXXV.
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    - All of the parts listed as multiple verses were intended to be redacted to give the impression of missing parts and greater length. If you don’t want any redacted parts, they should be one verse each, IMHO.

    Agreed on all points!


    Keep going with the other chapters, any oversight and suggestions is better than none


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  9. #46

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    All right! Will get to the other two chapters ASAP!

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  10. #47

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    Chapter II

    - In Verse VIII, you need a comma in “1,000”.
    - “MDCCIX” should read, “XI-MDCCIX”.

    Chapter III

    - In Verse II, “gland” should be “glands” (or “fallen” should be “a fallen”).
    - In Verse V, “him” should be “them”.
    - In Verse VI, “drain in” should, perhaps, be “drain on”.
    - In Verse VII, “Apothecary” should be “an Apothecary”.
    - In Verse X, “last stands” should be “a last stand” (or “An evacuation” should be “Evacuations”).
    - “MCLVI” should read, “IX-MCLVI”.

    Again, I particularly like the "which is to say" parts in Chapter III! Great work!

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  11. #48
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    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    glands
    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    Evacuations
    ^These

    And I agree with your other suggestions


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  13. #49
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    Corrections have been affected.

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  15. #50
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    Editing on Chapter 4 has begun.

    Bear Island knows no Kim but the Kim in the North, whose name is Jong Un.
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  17. #51
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    Originally Posted by Graverobber View Post
    MCLXXXIII: If attempts to cross the T should fail, never forget the Gelthor Touch.
    Sorry for the slow updates. I was editing Chapter 4 and was wondering if you could explain this passage for me? Thanks.

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  18. #52

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    No, no - awesome that you're still at it! These are references to naval (hence void) combat: To "cross the T" means to line your ships up perpendicular to your enemy's and with your column horizontal to their vertical (i.e. their long axis). This allows you to concentrate fire from your full line while your opponent can only fire with the first ship in their line's forward guns. This is also known as "raking fire". A slightly different tactic is "The Nelson Touch". This involves driving your vertical line through your enemy's horizontal one, thus allowing yourself to fire horizontally onto two, fractured vertical lines (from your new point of view). Crossing the T was difficult as all naval commanders knew of it and thus would constantly weave and turn to avoid having it happen to them (and in an attempt to do it to their enemies). And Gelthor was a famous 40K admiral who lived mid-M32. Does that make sense?

    Last edited by Graverobber; 14th February 2018 at 02:55.
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  19. #53
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    Ah ok -- I googled Gelthor and he has a short page on Lexicanum... and the only source for it is a Black Library novel. Is there anything you can tell me more about the character and exploits, etc? The more detail the better.

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  20. #54

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    Originally Posted by DrakonTheNightLord View Post
    Ah ok -- I googled Gelthor and he has a short page on Lexicanum... and the only source for it is a Black Library novel. Is there anything you can tell me more about the character and exploits, etc? The more detail the better.
    No, sorry, I just chose the name based on a quick Google search for 40K generals of the appropriate (i.e. 30K) era; feel free to change it...

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  21. #55
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    I see. It's a good touch to find era-specific characters that Guilliman would reference, but I fear this may be a can of worms because a) we don't know anything about the character, and it may clash with what he does in the book that he features in and b) we have no idea if Guilliman knows, or knows of this person.

    I'll think about it and try doing some poking around about the character and I'll figure it out, no worried


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